The Beauty in The Aftermath
by Silvern Haze
Summary: Leah ran away after Jacob came back. He in turn ran a second time. What if their paths crossed, would anything change? "Leah," I said. Her eyes moved to meet mine, open, honest, unshielded. "Tell me what happened." Blackwater. M for cursing
1. Prologue

**Basic Info (IMPORTANT!): **In this fic, Leah ran away a few weeks after Jake returned at the beginning of Breaking Dawn. Jacob runs a second time after seeing Bella and finding out she's pregnant. He did **not** tell the pack.

* * * * * *

_I choked back tears today_  
_'cause I can't begin to say _  
_how much you've shaped this boy_  
_ these last ten years or more_

_ My friends we've seen it all_  
_triumphs to drunken falls _  
_and our bones are broken still_  
_ but our hearts are joined until_

_ time slips its tired hand _  
_into our tired hands _  
_we've years 'til that day _  
_and so much more to say_

_ You give the strength to me, a strength I never had_  
_I was a mess you see, I'd lost the plot so bad_  
_you dragged me up and out, out of the darkest place_  
_there's not a single doubt when I can see your faces_

*****

He laughed. "Hush," I said. "You're ruining it…"  
My fingers traced the knuckles of his hand, up to his wrist and then back again.  
I felt the flutter of his eyelids as they closed, smiled to myself in contentement.  
He had always said how much he loved my smile, that it was sad for it to be so rare.  
These days, it was twice as hard to smile without his company.  
The stress of going back to the place we were born in was really getting to me.  
But these simple moments made me glad that we were here, united, and they rid me of any doubts.  
Because this was what I wanted. And we would be going back. Together.

_*****  
_

_ My friends we've seen it all_  
_when it made no sense at all_  
_ you dare to light my path _  
_and found the beauty in the aftermath_

_ Let me hold you up_  
_like you held me up_  
_it's too long to never say this_  
_ you must know I've always thought_

_ You give the strength to me, a strength I never had_  
_ I was a mess you see, I'd lost the plot so bad,_  
_ you dragged me up and out, out of the darkest place_  
_ there's not a single doubt when I can see your faces_

_ You give the strength to me, a strength I never had_  
_ I was a mess you see, I'd lost the plot so bad_  
_ you dragged me up and out, out of the darkest place_  
_ there's not a single doubt when I can see your faces_

_Snow Patrol – Give Me Strength  
_

* * * * * *

**Disclaimer for the whole fanfiction:** I do not own Twilight and therefore not the characters but I do own the plot and the words. The lyrics pasted in the prologue and the chapters are not mine either.

**Warnings:** Basically, just the usual. Language and mature themes, a few lemons. :D May the funn beginnn~


	2. Primal Music

**Primal Music**

_Two weeks later like a surplus reprieve_  
_I found a hair the length of yours on my sleeve_  
_I wound it round and round my finger so tight_  
_It turned to purple and a pulse formed inside_

_And I knew the beat 'cause it matched your own beat_  
_I still remember it from our chest to chest and feet to feet_  
_The easy silence then was a sweet relief to this hush_  
_Of ovens, aeroplanes and of distant car horns_

I was so sick of this shit.

Of everything. Of running away for a second time, of ending up in California, on a freaking beach at freaking sunset. Of all of this being so cliché. But most of all I was sick of finding _her_ standing only a few feet from me staring out at the sea. Couldn't fate – or whatever it was that continued to torture me – look for another, more willing target and leave me the fuck alone? I'd like to make use of my free will before I bite the dust, really.

But it wasn't like fate had a phone number and I _was _standing here, at sunset, on a beach, staring at her like I'd never seen a girl before. And if fate hadn't had enough already, it would make sure that she'd turn around to face me. Yeah, she did. Of course, because fate _never_ has enough and because it was sadistic.

She frowned openly at me, as if she didn't like the idea of me randomly appearing at her little hideout place as much as I didn't like the idea of running into her in my pathetic attempt to flee from life. And fate, but that would never leave me alone, anyway.

The way I gawked at her probably reminded her very much of imprinting, the thing that drove her away from the tiny reservation that had ruined both of our lives. I forced my eyes away from her angered face and fixed them on her feet instead, which were bare and sunken in in the fine, _California_ sand.

I considered backing off and running in the other direction instead of staying where I stood but quickly decided against it. For one, I'd have to phase and let the pack assail me with questions. And it would add to Leah's suspicion that I had just imprinted on her, which I didn't, by the way, and that was certainly not what I wanted.

So I did nothing at all, continued to admire her feet and hid my hands in my jeans pockets like the coward I was. Finally, when I'd come to the point to think we'd spend all of our ridiculously extended life spans on this lonesome beach, Leah spoke up. It was nothing too original, short, and not close to anything I would have expected. Because I'd expected her to either tell me to "fuck off", to "spit it out" or to "take a picture so it'll last longer". No, she said none of those what I had assumed were Leah-ish things to start – and end – a conversation. What she did say was; "Hello, Jacob." No biting edge to it, nothing. It was almost… disturbing to hear her use a decent tone. More disturbing to hear her greet someone, especially me, who she'd never been on friendly terms with.

Considering all of this, I was dumbfounded. I looked back up at her face which was still showing a bit of hostility but I guessed, when it came to Leah Clearwater, you should be happy when she was _not _attempting to bite your head off.

"Leah," I said, not quite managing to add a "hello" or a "hey". She raised her brows and lifted her chin a little before she turned her attention back to the mercilessly crashing waves. Her muscles were tense but apart from that, she showed no sign that my presence was bothering her. She was _ignoring_ me.

For a moment, I wondered if I was dreaming all of this, if I had collapsed somewhere mid-run due to my lack of sleep and was having a weird-ass-dream. But no, there was that scent – pines and rain and a bit of crocus – in the air that told me that it couldn't be a dream. Why would I be able to smell the unmistakable scent of _Leah _when she really wasn't there, just a few steps from where I stood? That, and Clearwater would be the last person to star in my dreams, ever.

"There's always a first." My head snapped up. If it hadn't been for the wind, carrying her quiet whisper to my ears, I wouldn't have heart it. Despite all of my supersensitive senses. I eyed Leah closely, searching for any kind of proof that she was talking to me.

She wasn't; I watched her lips move almost unnoticeably as she muttered to herself. I wasn't sure what was more creepy; her having the same thoughts as me or her suddenly reading minds. I shuddered, I didn't need another Edward in my life, one was by far more than enough.

I gritted my teeth. That bastard. Taking Be – _her_ away from me was one thing, but taking her life away from her made me absolutely livid. And the worst thing was that she did all that willingly. She _loved_ what was growing inside her. She loved what was already killing her. She was a such a fool. My toes dug into the sand as they curled in anger and frustration. She would rather risk her life carrying his child than giving me a chance. What had I done to deserve this, what the hell had I done wrong? My eyes were closed tightly as I tried to swallow a yelp of pain. _Fuck_, I thought. _Fuck, fuck, fuck. This is going to kill me._

"Jacob." Abruptly, I reopened my eyes only to come face to face with Leah. I instinctively took a step back while I stared at her face. This was new. Her eyes were wide, one corner of her mouth pulled down, eyebrows pulled together and her forehead wrinkled. A look I had never seen on her before. This was pity. I winced as I felt my heart throb painfully. No, no, _no_. I didn't need anyone's pity. I didn't need Bella's pity and I sure as hell didn't need Leah's. I got tenser as that expression on her face didn't change. I had to get _out of here_.

I took a few more steps backwards before I swirled around, ready to make a run for it. _You're laughable. Running won't keep the pain away_, the more rational part of me tried to interfere. Of course it was laughable but what the _fuck_ was I supposed to do? Stay in La Push and watch Bella throw her life away, her beautiful human life? She was going to die no matter how the… the pregnancy turned out. Everybody knew that, even Edward knew that. Bella ignored it happily. After the due date she would either be cold and dead under the earth or cold and dead in the body of a bloodthirsty monster. Those disgusting monsters she loved so much.

I felt the all-too-familiar heat run down my spine as my sight started to shake with my body. Red was overtaking my vision.

"Jacob, damn it! Calm the fuck down!" Leah's voice screeched from behind me. I felt something grasp my arm but I didn't need to look to know it were her hands. "We're not alone at this beach, you know!"

I was already at the point of not caring. May the world see what kind of horror creature I was. May the –

_**Smack! **_The stinging pain in my right cheek was what brought me out of it. _What the? Did she just slap me? _I could make out Leah's rigid frame as the shaking subsided. I gawked at her incredulously as I took her in. The look of pity on her face had disappeared only to be replaced by anger and annoyance, an expression I was more than used to see her wearing. One of her hands was still grasping my arm, the other had yet to fall back to her side. "You retard! What were you thinking?" she growled.

Shit, what was I thinking? "I …" I began. I took a few deep breaths before I turned away from Leah, afraid that someone had witnessed my – our – little scene. My eyes roamed over the shoreline, the pine trees that lined the secluded beach until I stopped at a group of teenagers that seemed to have just arrived near a particularly tall pine. "Shit," I breathed. Two boys were whispering and casting glances in Leah's and my direction, a girl was staring at us blatantly. The other three kids had yet to notice us or simply didn't give a damn.

"Yeah, shit. Do you know how close you were to seriously _fucking this up_?" I shook my head. I wasn't used to being careful about phasing back in La Push, most of the tribe members knew anyway, but here… damn it. Thank god for Leah's violent streak. I turned back to her and gave her a look that hopefully said "damn, I'm sorry."

Leah scoffed. "Just keep your temper in check, understood?" I nodded weakly, feeling every bit like the sixteen-year-old I was.

"What got you so pissed off, anyway?" Of course she would ask but _please_, did she have to remind me?

I bit my lip as Bella's face popped into my mind, her beautiful chocolate eyes and mahogany waves, the creamy skin and_, god_, her blush. But the image faded too quickly and was replaced by a marble reflection of her former self. Chocolate turned blood, cream turned ashen, the rosy blush gone forever. _Forever. _And in her marble arms, a shadow of the softness that once had been, sat a marble child, eyes the bloody crimson that marked the evil. The hair was his, the skin was his, it was _his_. It had nothing that marked him as Bella's, besides the life she had sacrificed for him to _exist. _I didn't know why I was so sure that it would be a boy, but somehow it fit.

Maybe it was because I found little monster girls too creepy to even think of.

I tasted blood on my tongue although I didn't feel the pain. God, I still loved that girl. Why did every decision she made appear to be the wrong one, bringing her further away from me? Did she not see what she was doing to me, doing to herself? _It's all his fault, that damned leech got her addicted to him. _How I wanted to rip him to shreds and burn his remains. Suddenly strawberry filled my senses, befuddled my brain. _What the hell? Why does it smell of strawberries? _It was only when I heart Bella's tickling, soft laugh in my ears that it hit me. _Bella. Bella's strawberry scent. _I inhaled deeply. Strawberry. _I'm losing my mind. _Panic slowly made its way up my throat. _Wherever I go, she won't leave me alone! _Her laugh, joyful. The laugh she only laughed since he came back and ruined her future. The tickling of bells. Bells.

My eyes snapped open – had I even closed them? – to the sight of Leah talking to me. I didn't hear her – nothing but her laughter – but Leah's lips were moving swiftly, furiously. Bella's laughter had turned taunting. _Fuck, I am going completely insane! _

"Leah, " I whispered, desperately, although I only heard the sound in my head. Her lips stopped moving. And I saw a way out. My thoughts weren't coherent anymore, but I was clinging to the one chance I had. I had no idea if it would work, it seemed mad enough not to, but I didn't care. If I smelled strawberry for one more fucking second I would have to throw up.

In a flash, I pressed my lips to Leah's. I closed my eyes tightly and willed Bella's laughter, her scent – _anything Bella _– away. Leah's lips were soft on mine and slightly agape in surprise. I cupped her cheek with one hand, as if I was begging her to kiss me back. I didn't know why I was shocked when her lips started to move with mine, but I _was_, so much that I didn't even realize the strawberry scent had faded and the laughter stopped. I didn't hear the cat-calls behind our backs. Leah's arms snaked around my neck as the kiss deepened and she gently bit my lower lip.

_Well … and it went like this._

*****

When I woke up I forced my eyes to stay shut. A wave of profanities flooded my mind as I realized _where_ I was and _why. Oh shit, oh shit, holy shi _– _Leah Clearwater. How the _hell _did I manage to have my first… My god, Leah fucking Clearwater. I've literally lost my mind._

My eyes fluttered open as I heard a timer ring somewhere in the distance. The first thing I saw were white sheets, sunshine and a light green wall. There was a mix of rain, pines and crocus in the air. _Where…?_

I sat up groggily, adjusting to the morning brightness. I was alone in the room and the only furniture was the bed I was laying in and a dresser made of wood. Two doors led out of the room; one was green, the other white.

I flushed as I remembered last night, images of hands, of skin, of lips and hair invaded my mind. _Oh fucking hell. _But I couldn't change the past, could I? And it wasn't like it had been bad, it had been really – I plopped back down on the mattress. It hadn't been bad at all. Hot and sweaty and… I groaned against my pillow. No, wait. _Her_ pillow. Where was she, anyway?

As if on cue, the white door opened and Leah Clearwater stepped out, wearing a blue summer dress and no shoes. She stopped halfway to the other door, the green one, when she realized I was awake. "You're up," she said. "Took you long enough."

I nodded, too busy taking in her appearance to speak. I had _never_ seen Leah in a dress _ever_ before. It made her actually look like a girl, something separate from the pack mate we all loved and, well, hated. Something separate from Sam's bitter ex. This was Seth Clearwater's older sister, not some freaky gene mutation or whatever you thought werewolves were. I wondered briefly if that had been her goal all along, building a life without her past as a constant shadow, making others judge her. Now, she'll only have to do something about her attitude… Was the reason she ran away really that she thought she had no future in La Push? That was illogical. Most of the guys would've let her leave without much of a tantrum, glad to be off the hook.

I lifted my gaze to look at her face and accidentally met her toffee brown eyes. I had never noticed the golden colored flecks in them before, never given much of a thought to anyone's eyes but Bella's. Right, why would I spent my nights brooding over Quil's or Jared's eye color? That would be majorly weird. Back then, Leah was nothing else but another wolf, like for example Collin, just a tad more difficult to stand. _Yeah, sure. Just a tad. _

I pulled my eyebrows together. Nothing had really changed, or I tried to reason myself into thinking that. Leah _still _was one of the guys, well, one of the guys with boobs and all that female stuff… anyway, she would always be annoying and a pain in the ass. Simple as that. _Then, genius, why on earth did you sleep with her?_, the rational part of me chimed in. _Oh, shut up, brain._

"Stop staring, you jerk," Leah snapped defensively. I could not help but notice the faint blush darkening her cheeks under her tan skin. I smirked.

"Aw come on, I know you were checking me out, too." _Too? I wasn't checking her out, damn it. Why am I telling her that? _The smirk never left my face, especially when she huffed and headed for the door.

"Get your ass outta my bed before I make you," she hissed before she disappeared in the hallway. Awkwardly, I kicked off the sheets – god, I was still naked. _Well, better that than having Leah dress me in my sleep. _I swallowed nervously – and rolled off the mattress. _Now, where are my damned shorts? _I looked around, did a 360 in the process, and tried to locate my missing cut-offs.

_Yeah, and after I've got all that sorted out I'll go and enroll for ballet classes. Leah'd have the time of her life. _

"Shit," I said loudly when I realized they weren't in the bedroom. I quickly glanced down at me – yeah, sadly my shorts hadn't miraculously materialized around my lower half – and pondered what to do. With all hope gone I snatched the bed's sheets and wrapped them around my waist, perfectly aware of the fact that the next few minutes were going to be utterly humiliating. _A wolf's gotta do what a wolf's gotta do… or whatever._

_Wait a minute. Since when does nakedness embarrass me? _I sighed in annoyance and ripped the white cotton off me. _That's by far more manly. _

I tried to look confident as I made my way down the dimly lit hallway, tried to ready myself for what I was going to see. God, I was acting like I was about to walk in on Leah and Seth making out. I shuddered at the thought. I glanced at the pictures that were lining the walls, noticed that there were various ones of Leah together with women completely unknown to me, none that showed any men, including the pack. _Wow, she's really trying to distance herself, isn't she? _I shrugged and averted my gaze.

The hallway led directly to the kitchen, in which Leah sat on a chair, reading a local newspaper. I raised both eyebrows but said nothing in order to keep her from noticing me. I let my eyes wander, over the light brown cupboards, the refrigerator – something I soon needed to pay a visit to – and the kitchen table, until I stopped at the ceiling lamp, a little… perplexed.

By all that's _holy_. How did they end up there?

In about 6'10'' height my shorts hung from the lampshade. If I hadn't been in this fucked up situation, I would've been on the floor, laughing. But I _was _in this fucked up situation, so I settled with an embarrassed grin. _Gee, last night sure was a rush. _I looked at Clearwater again, checking if she'd already noticed my presence. Naw, her head was still buried in whatever article had captured her attention.

_Okay. How am I going to pull this? _I frowned at the lamp that more or less hung on eyelevel. Well, _my_ eyelevel. I decided to be bold and just go and get these damned shorts. Fuck if Leah saw me, besides we already saw each other stark naked yesterday.

So I walked forward – and thus into view – and snatched the worn cut-offs off the lampshade. I pulled them on as quickly as possible, which was very quick if I might add, and felt a sense of relief that I had finally gotten it over with. _Next time I'll make sure they come off in the bedroom, really. _I froze. _Next time, what the? Jacob, you gotta get a grip on yourself –_

"Oh Jesus." Leah's voice pulled me out of my internal monologue. I slowly, really really slowly turned to face Leah's beet red face. _Shit_ was the only thing on my mind. She was gaping at me, her mouth open in what I assumed was shock, the newspaper long forgotten in her hands.

"Uh, hi," I said sheepishly. Great. So this was the infamous "morning after". She didn't reply, just shook her head in what looked like an attempt to get the blood to flow out of her cheeks. Leah muttered something under her breath and looked down at the tabletop. Awkward.

I stalked off towards the fridge and opened it up. _Thank god Leah's a werewolf, at least she's got enough food in there. _I grabbed what looked like leftover pizza and sat down opposite to world's first she-wolf, aka Leah Clearwater. The red in her cheeks had faded and made the spark in her eyes look even scarier than it might have been.

"Help yourself, why don't you?" she growled sarcastically, "Jesus, because it's my purpose in life to feed stray dogs like you."

"First of; my name is Jacob, thank you very much. Second; is your purpose in life really just feeding dogs or fucking them, too? Cuz you kind of did that last night." My grin widened.

"You won't ever let me live this down, will you?"

I looked up from the pizza, shook my head. "Nope," I said and took a bite from the slice in my hand.

"Asshole."

*****

The rest of the morning was pretty quiet. Leah tried to ignore me most of the time and I didn't force myself on her. It was surprising enough that she didn't kick me out first thing after I woke up. Speaking of which, where the hell was I supposed to go? Should I stay at Leah's for as long as she let me or hit the trail again? I should've thought about that first before I ran off. Way to go, Jake, way to go.

Leah interrupted my mind babble. "Why are you here?"

I averted my eyes from the TV and saw her standing by the sofa's armrest, hands on her hips and a serious expression on her face. Her short-ish black hair stuck out in weird angles; she'd ran her hands through her hair too many times.

"You didn't kick me out," I stated.

Leah rolled her eyes at me. "No shit, Sherlock. So why are you here?"

I sighed and turned to face her. I had _not _planned on discussing this. "I ran away," I said, pointing out the obvious. I didn't know if it was just me but she looked somewhat relieved.

"Again?" She let out a laugh. "What did she do this time, jump Leech-ward's bones in front of all the wedding guests?"

I felt my face harden, thought '_Almost_.' "She's pregnant." That took the wind out of her sails.

"Huh? You knocked her up and left? You're even a bigger ass than I thought."

"No!" I yelled, then lowered my voice. "It's his. He's the _lucky daddy_."

Leah opened her mouth, closed it again. "Isn't that sort of… impossible or something?"

"Apparently not," I scowled and let my face fall into my hands. "But it's killing her. Did you hear me, Leah? It's fucking _killing her from the inside_. And she doesn't give a damn about her life."

"Well, that's not exactly news," I heard her mutter. I tensed but let it go; there was no point in fighting now. I thought about how much of an impossible coincidence it was that I bumped into Leah when my destination was really nothing but far, far away. Maybe that had been her goal, too. To be far, far away from La Push and the Olympic Peninsula. I wanted to be away from Bella. She wanted to be away from Sam.

With my head still in my hands I fired back her question. "Why are _you_ here?" It was nothing but a whisper but I could literally feel Leah grow rigid in response.

"Why would you want to know?"

I scoffed and lifted my head. "Honestly? I think most of us already know." I wasn't quite sure if she frowned at me using the pack plural or at my answer. Probably both.

"You know nothing," she snapped. She'd crossed her arms in front of her chest. _Protection_, it ran through my mind.

"Leah, we're in your head every time you phase. You can't tell me we don't realize what's going on. You can tell me that we don't get you, because we most definitely _don't_, but keep it real."

"Keep it real? _Keep it real? _Look who's talking." Her face had flushed with anger and I swore I could see her hands trembling. I had forgotten not everyone had my self control. _Great. "_How 'bout _you_ keep it real and accept that your little leech-lover was never yours to begin with, Black." Oh no, she didn't.

"Why do you think I am here, sitting on your fucking sofa in fucking California?" I hissed. "Hold yourself in check, Clearwater. I don't want you phasing in the middle of the room."

"Who died and made you Alpha? What do you care if I phase in my living room or not?" I just about bit my tongue in frustration. Man, that woman knew how to drive me up the wall. I stood up from the sofa went to stand in front of her shaking shape. I towered over her by almost one foot.

"You're right, I don't care! Do whatever you want, _god_." It wasn't my problem if she ruined most of her furniture. With one last look at her pissed off face I shoved past her and was out of the front door. Why did it feel like this wasn't over?

I phased as soon as I crossed the tree line, letting all my locked-up emotions brake free and overtake. My thoughts circled but never fixated, leaving me confused and annoyed with myself. One of those thoughts was the completely random realization that I despised imprinting, another that I wondered if my mother could see me now, running in the monstrous body of a giant canine and hear my thoughts up there, in heaven. I knew that I'd never truly know. _My life's really fucked up, isn't it?_

My paws hit the dry ground hard as I bolted through the Californian woods – they were a huge difference to Washington's rainforests I was used to. Pines over pines over pines, blurring into splotches of green and brown as I ran down the hill Leah's small cottage-like house stood on. In my peripheral vision I could see the blue of the pacific ocean which's waves I heard crashing against the cliffs. Why Leah had chosen a town similar to the size of La Push for a start-over was beyond me, somehow I'd thought she'd make a run for the cities. Well, think again.

For some reason unknown to me I thanked my mother for the fact that no one else was phased and I had my thoughts to myself, something fairly rare since I'd made the change from human to _something else_.

I lifted my heavy head towards the cloudless sky and, for a millisecond, I could have sworn I saw Sarah Black smiling back at me_. Thank you, mom._

_A fire, a fire, you can only take what you can carry_  
_A pulse, your pulse, it's the only thing I can remember_  
_I break, you don't, I was always set to self-destruct though_  
_The fire, the fire, it cracks and barks like primal music_

_Snow Patrol – If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It_


	3. No One Road

**No One Road**

_I am going away for a while_  
_ But I'll be back, don't try and follow me_  
_ Cuz I'll return as soon as possible_  
_ See I'm trying to find my place_  
_ But it might not be here where I feel safe_  
_ We all learn to make mistakes_

_ And run_  
_ From them, from them_  
_ With no direction_  
_ We'll run from them, from them_  
_ With no conviction _

I watched the seagulls float in the air above the for once peaceful sea, their screams adding to the light atmosphere.

I was sitting on the top of a cliff a few miles from the little town Leah now lived in. My eyelids felt heavy but I was not going to give in and close them, I needed to stay alert. A huge wolf sitting on a cliff like some pet dog was not a sight I wanted the locals to see, they'd probably get a heart attack. No thanks.

The soft breeze blew through my fur, the salt sticking single strands together. Peace at last. I had decided on staying in California for a couple weeks before I'd head away from the coast. I didn't think I'd ever return to Washington, at least not the Peninsula.

Yes, I knew it was cruel. Yes, I knew that my dad and the pack had no idea where I was and why I was gone. For how long. I knew I should have told them about Bella.

But I had been driven by pain and betrayal and a lot of shock and now I saw no way of ever going back and facing them, facing what had become of the life I had left behind.

_Coward!_ my brain screamed at me. _You're no better than Leah. _I shook my furry head forcefully. Leah's situation was different; she left because she was looking for a better life. In that moment, I realized I didn't actually _know _why she turned her back on La Push. _It's exactly the same! She has a family waiting for her, too, and she's dismissing her duties as well! You're no better than her, face it. _Fuck, it was weird to have conversations with yourself. Maybe my brain was right and she really ran from Sam, just as I ran from Bella. _No, no, oh fuck no. We aren't alike at all._ I was growing pretty irritated with myself.

_Oh, please. You, me, alike? You gotta be joking. _

I swirled around at the speed of lightning. A smaller grey wolf had appeared between the trees and was slowly making its way over to me. I snarled involuntarily. And there went the peaceful moment.

_Leave me the hell alone, Clearwater. _I was almost angry at myself for not noticing that someone else had phased. Leah reached me, clearly unfazed by my hostility. Yeah, right, she was a pro at those things after all.

_True_, she agreed, mistaking my little remark for a compliment. Thinking about it, she probably didn't care whether or not it was one. _Listen, puppy. We need to talk._

That caught my off guard. I looked into her eyes suspiciously, not able to let myself relax. _What about? _Talking wasn't Leah-like. Leah was a _violenceisalwaystheanswer_ person.

She barked angrily, reminding me of that vicious puppy Quil, Embry and I had picked up in a dark alley many years ago. The thing had ripped apart everything within reach that could not run fast enough.

_Like you would know what's "Leah-like" and not, dumbass._ She motioned to the trees with her snout. _Phase so we can talk properly._

_Why can't we just get it over with and do it now, huh?_

Leah's huge toffee-brown eyes narrowed dangerously. _Because I say so, now hurry the fuck up. _"Because I say so"; scary female logic. No arguing at that point, I had learned it the hard way from my sisters. Clearly irritated I gazed at the trees before I turned my attention back to the furious wolverine, as Billy had dubbed her once.

_Fine, but it better be good_, I surrendered and trotted off towards the pines. Women; can't live with them, can't live without them. Still, I could imagine a life without Leah Clearwater rather easily.

_Watch it, Black_, her voice echoed in my head before she disappeared deeper into the forest to phase and dress. I shook my head in annoyance and shifted back into my human form, untied the pouch from my leg and slipped into my shorts. _I wonder what she wants now._

A couple seconds later, accompanied by the rustling of twigs and fallen leaves, she stepped back out of the thicket, the angry expression for once replaced by worry. She still had on that blue dress that hit her mid-thigh which made the situation a little awkward on my part. Why did Leah suddenly decide to wear _dresses_? Weren't they a little unpractical for phasing?

She leaned back against a tree and fixed her eyes on me, as if she was waiting for me to speak up. What, first she wants to talk and then she expects me to do the first move?

"So, what's this about?" My voice had taken on a strange monotone because I couldn't decide whether to be annoyed or concerned.

Leah took a deep breath before I watched her face harden into a mask of sanctity. "Did you tell them?"

"Tell what?" I asked. She ran her hand through her black locks, her signature-scowl slipping back on her face. Why was I doing this, again?

"Where I am, genius," she half-growled as he eyes found the dry ground.

"Why on earth would I do that, it's not like there was anybody who could've asked me." The scowl on her face eased a little but she didn't lift her gaze from the forest floor. She didn't reply and I found myself comparing the russet of her skin with the pale red bark of the pine she was leaning against. _Shit, Jacob, what are you doing?_ a voice screeched in the back of my mind. It was too easy to ignore it.

"Stay at my place." Startled, I looked at her face, seeing nothing but seriousness and that little cease between her brows that appeared when she was thinking really hard. Aside from the obvious shock I was feeling because of her offer, I was a bit disgusted at myself for knowing her enough to read her expressions.

I blurted the first and only thing that came to my mind – "Why the hell would you want that? Why would _I_ want that?" – before fixating my gaze back on the spot where her skin met the rough bark. To say I was mesmerized was an understatement.

"I'd rather put up with you than – the others." It was so painfully obvious that she wanted to say Sam. Yet, what was she talking about?

"Right, the others," I mumbled, "But what has me staying with you to do with … the Pack?" Leah huffed; I didn't know if it was because I wouldn't meet her eyes or because I was not getting what she was saying.

"If you're staying outside you'll stay phased, and then there's no way around having to share your minds with the others. I don't want to risk them finding out where to find me, Jacob." The beginning of her explanation had sounded as if she was annoyed but the rest had turned out to have a pleading edge to it. In the end, that was what made me lock eyes with her. I saw nothing unusual – for Leah – in her gaze but I had _heard _her plead. How long had this girl managed to hide behind her poker face, assuring all of us that she was oh-so tough and didn't give a damn?

"Leah, what happened, what did he do?" I had only realized I had spoken those words after they'd left my mouth. I saw her wince under my stare, her mask almost crumpling before my eyes. Almost.

"Why did you run away?" I pressed. I was not sure why but at that moment I cared. And then, abruptly, she pushed away from her tree and rushed in the opposite direction, calling "You better follow me" over her shoulder before I lost sight of her.

We ran the way back to hers in human form, moving at a quarter of the speed we'd have when phased. Leah had insisted on me keeping my phasing rate as low as possible and niftily ignored my questions to why exactly she didn't want the pack to know where she was and why she ran away in the first place. My anger increased with every step I took, surprisingly though it was not directed at Leah but Sam. Various encounters of "the couple that was never to be" replayed in my head, I saw Leah hide herself behind the mask of anger I'd seen her wear earlier and Sam playing indifferent and rubbing Emily into her face. That calmness about Sam had never failed to set me off. The only person that had ever gotten a different reaction out of him was Emily and sometimes – just for a millisecond – Leah. That again made me feel bad for both Leah _and_ Emily. Why did our Alpha have to be a complete dickhead?

Still, none of that warranted my decision to stay at her place. _Sigh. _I really felt bad for the girl but having to put up with her anger for an unclear span of time? Hell, no. But I, masochistic idiot that I was, had followed her anyway. _Fuck, I'll regret this._

I tried to concentrate on _not_ running straight into a tree – something that would never happen anyway – to get my mind off Leah and my questionable decisions.

_A little to the right, a little to the left – don't run into Leah – a little to the right… _I sneaked a glance sideways and saw her running in the same rhythm, her gaze set straight ahead. Why was Leah always so determined… – _shit, this is not working! Try something else, something else…_

Really, I couldn't remember her house being that far away, even on two legs it shouldn't take us more than 30 minutes. It already felt like two hours.

I fastened my pace almost involuntarily, my bare feet hitting the ground harder. Stones and twigs dug into my soles, leaving tiny wounds that closed in a second's time. I was aware of everything around me, like the tapping of miniscule feet against earth or bark, the steady breath of nocturnal birds napping in the trees that we rushed past.

Though, not a single bug crossed our path. We were one of them; of the woods, nature. Part of a system. But we were predators. Protectors? Yes, but only of the human kind. The Pack occasionally hunted deer and elk, as disgusting as that may sound.

But the awkwardness that hung in the air between Leah and me was all consuming. The silence, despite the many noises our ears detected, influenced my senses in a numbing way. I wanted to go wolf so badly; exchange my human mind against the mind of something instinct-driven.

Damn you, Leah Clearwater.

When we _finally _made it to her cottage I was close to giving in to the sweet temptation that was suicide. Who knew a run with the only young female Clearwater could be so nerve wrecking? The silence could've been cut with a knife. _Shudder. _I was _so_ never doing this again.

Leah's shoulders were hunched as she went to unlock the front door, she, too, looked slightly on edge.

"Here, make yourself at home," she said, the usual sarcastic undertone still prominent in her voice.

* * *

I was working hard on keeping up my walls. Not an easy thing to do, definitely not, but strictly necessary in this situation. Because every choice I ever made ended up biting me in the ass – this one being apparently no different. I led the way into my little house – yeah well it wasn't mine but I rented it – and plopped down on my bed. How could I be so _stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid?_ Little Leah Clearwater, afraid her big bad ex comes and gets her.

Of course he wouldn't come. He wouldn't give a flying fuck.

At least that was what I forced myself to believe, searching, desperately, for a way to break the cycle of _rejection, hurt, the look in his eyes, his words, more rejection_. But I just _had _to give in to my absurd fears and beg Jacob to stay human, even if that meant he'd have to stay at my place. I shouldn't've mistaken him for another oblivious, lovesick puppy, seeing nothing but himself and what he'd lost. Again, _stupid_. I had no idea if he would ask again, if he would be blunt or if he'd corner me, giving me no choice but to spill the beans. Or if he wouldn't say anything at all.

But I doubted that he would keep quiet. So there was one option left; stay away from him at all times possible. Nothing too simple considering he now lived in the same house with me.

I heard the sound of the refrigerator door slamming closed and felt a sense of relief he didn't follow me to the bedroom. _Yeah, why would he?_

I leaned back on my bed to catch a glimpse of the alarm clock that stood on the nightstand. _6pm, well, that suits me. _I picked myself up from the mattress and rushed to the walk-in-closet whoever built this house saw as essential. _Whatever._

I quickly stripped out of my favorite phasing-dress and slipped into my fairly hideous working clothes. Whoever designed this must've been on something real, real bad. Probably meth. The dark brown dress was ruffled and puffy and did not go well with my skin tone at all, the cream apron looked old-fashioned and silly. All in all, I looked as if I'd just came back from a time travel to the '70s.

I brushed my fingertips over the smooth fabric and I knew I didn't want this. But then again, like everything else in my life, it left me no choice. A siren's call, sounding from every direction I ever considered. Repelling but attracting at the same time. It was like Sam had pulled me in and locked the door behind me, with the key pulverizing into a pile of dust as soon as I reached out for it.

Once again, my thoughts were a jumbled mess of the all too familiar _nowayoutnowayoutnowayout_, driving me to the very edge of a cliff I'd never have the strength to actually jump off.

My movements were robotic as I grabbed my purse and put on the chocolate pumps I was forced to wear – but in the back of my mind thought of as cute. Not that I would ever admit that. I passed Jacob on my way to the door, he looked like he wanted to comment, with his grin wide and eyes bright, but my glare did well in shutting him up. Though, all that was on my mind was _nowayout_.

I kicked the door closed behind me, feeling a little anxious leaving Jacob alone in the little house. Of course, I felt anxious for the house not _him_.

_Really, it isn't much of a home to me anyway, is it? You've got nothing to lose_, I tried to reassure myself. It worked to a certain extent.

I hurried to get into my Chevy Impala that I managed to scavenge as I first decided to stay in California. An old widow from the neighboring village gave it to me in exchange of doing chores, saying she had no use for it anymore. Inside the familiar smell of coconut – the woman must've bathed in coconut perfume or something, really – and leather engulfed me and I checked the time on the set nav display; I couldn't afford to be late again.

I passed many little, cozy-looking houses as I drove, my hands were gripping the steering wheel a bit too tight, the gravel scrunched under the tires. The café I worked at was a small family business a mile outside the town's borders, but since there wasn't any other café in the radius of another 100 miles it was well patronized. I sighed. I liked California, really, I did. It was just that I couldn't _letgo_.

_Leah, get a fucking hold of yourself! _I shook my head to collect my thoughts, something I've done a little too often lately. It had been four months since I last saw Seth and Sue and I hadn't even said goodbye. I was just up and away without looking back. _Yeah, if it only was that simple._ When I saw Jacob standing at that beach yesterday I first thought he was there to bring me home. And I'd been fucking okay with it. _Weak! _my inner bitch screeched.

But no, I was not going to give in and go back. I wouldn't. They could wait forever for all I cared. There, I would never be able to move on.

_The cycle of rejection, hurt, the look in his eyes, his words, more rejection. _It was etched in my mind, a ruthless reminder.

I parked in front of the café with the sign saying "Ocean View Coffee and Sweets" and stepped out of my car. Seeing that it was spring and quickly going towards summer, most of the tables out front were occupied, mostly by retirees and tourists. _Gee, looks like there's some work for me to do. _With quick steps I crossed the parking lot and entered the backdoor, warm scents of flour, sugar and fruit pulling me into the kitchen.

"Good afternoon, Miss Clearwater!" Mrs. Stanley greeted me from behind the stove. Her oldest daughter, Jennifer or something, gave me a quick wave before turning back to the dough she was kneading. Martin, a teen that worked here part-time, grunted something unintelligible.

"'Afternoon," I muttered, trying my best to put on a happy face. _Happy thoughts. You have a nice house, a car, a job. Nice house, car, job. _I walked out of the kitchen and stowed my purse in my employee's locker or whatever it was called and was immediately greeted by _Erin, Chloe and Rosie_ who smiled at me. Erin and Chloe were twins, not very alike ones though, and Rosie was Mrs. Stanley's other daughter. They put up with my constant bad mood and attitude and struggled to get me to open up to them. I hated it – fuck, that was an understatement – but the girls were irrelevant – just another part of the routine I lived.

"Leah, what's up with the scowl?" Chloe asked innocently, eyes focused on my face. I didn't make an effort to put on a smile. Instead I raised an eyebrow and hurried to the first table that waited to order. This was going to be a long, long day.

*.*.*.*.*

"Oh, shut _up_. I'm not in the mood." My glare was fixed on Rosie, who immediately shrunk back.

"Yah, I've noticed," she grumbled, flicking her honey hair back. My scowl deepened as I grabbed the coffee for table six. The girl rolled her eyes and went back to do whatever she was doing before she decided to complain about my mood swings. But honestly, my mood only changed from sarcastic to pissed to annoyed. She'd soon learn to leave me alone, like the Pack did. The twins had already given up on befriending me weeks ago, in fear of their lives.

Yes, I could get pretty threatening when angry.

It was not my fault if they insisted on "getting past the façade".

Because everything behind the façade was slowly but surely falling apart and slipping through the cracks of my mask, leaving blood red splotches on the floor.

_Misguided ghosts_  
_ Traveling endlessly_  
_ The ones we trusted the most_  
_ Pushed us far away_  
_ And there's no one road_  
_ We should not be the same_  
_ But I'm just a ghost_  
_ And still they echo me_

_ They echo me in circles  
_Paramore – Misguided Ghosts


	4. My Soul

**My Soul**

_Then I'm radio and then I'm television_  
_I'm afraid of everyone, I'm afraid of everyone_  
_Lay the young blue bodies, with the old red violets_  
_I'm afraid of everyone, I'm afraid of everyone_

_With my kid on my shoulders I try_  
_Not to hurt anybody I like_  
_But I don't have the drugs to sort,_  
_I don't have the drugs to sort it out, sort it out_

It was the perfect opportunity for him to strike.

I felt the blood freeze in my veins; not in fear of the werewolf in front of me but in fear of all those feelings coming up again. I heavily swallowed the last bite of my pancakes as I followed him with my eyes and as I watched his serious expression, I realized he knew this was his only chance.

Jacob sat down in the kitchen chair across from me. I suppressed the urge to flee and never, ever look back. I quickly put on my poker face. _Okay. Calm down. Take a deep breath and face the music. You can do this. _Why did my inner pep talk feel so halfhearted? Right, because there was no way I would be able to "do this".

I clenched my teeth together in order to keep the memories from flooding my brain but I was already down on the ground of the cold, dark room I had been locked inside. And it didn't matter if there were memories of him doing, saying _anything_. What mattered was that the door was made out of steel so hard my wolf strength did nothing move it. In fact, it even seemed to darken the room further.

And while my sore firsts banged against the door, I watched Jacob, wishing he would just get it over with. Knowing the words would not leave my mouth over my dead body, because speaking it – it would only intensify the pain and vulnerability I was feeling.

It had been about a week since he had moved in… sort of. If you wanted to call it that. It was real simple; I slept in my bed and he on the couch. I went out early and he slept in late. We didn't fight just because we didn't see each other – there was no way for us to tick each other off. It was almost as if he wasn't there. And I liked it that way; after all I had managed to avoid his confrontation – up until now.

I should've realized this was a _badterribleawful_ idea. But it was Saturday and Erin was taking over my shift, so why wouldn't I sleep in and eat breakfast?

_Simple, look what you've managed to get yourself into, retard. _

Jacob had made it clear that he wanted to know what had happened that night at Sam's, for whatever reason.

And if Jacob Black wanted something he got it, excluding clingy, leech-loving girls named Bella.

But not this time, I wouldn't tell him. It was none of his fucking business.

But the question alone brought back all the emotions that had rushed through my body and had made me turn my back on the place that was supposed to be home. It reminded me of the hopelessness of the situation, something I liked not to acknowledge.

Jacob closed his eyes for a second or two, sighed as if he was frustrated. Maybe he was.

"Stop it Leah. I'm not going to ask." Oh god he finally – wait, what? I knew I shouldn't feel relieved; no doubt someone else, at whatever time and whatever place, would someday wonder about the baggage I seemed to be dragging behind me wherever I went. But I did. A warm, tingly feeling spread over my tense body and lightened the weight that rested on my shoulders.

"_Finally. _Thought you'd damage that poor table to the point of no repair." I didn't like that smile on his face, that one that was hardly pulling the corners of his mouth up. I could not think of any reason for him to smile.

Wait… what was he saying?

I looked down at my hands which were not-so-subtly clasping the edge of my kitchen table. I had been so concentrated on what was going on inside of me that I'd been completely oblivious to what my body was doing. I carefully dug my fingers out of the marred wood, a feeling of embarrassment bubbling under the surface. He had been perfectly in tune with my emotions, even though I'd done my best on hiding them.

"Jacob," I started and stupidly ignored the _dangerdangerdanger _chanting in the back of my mind. "Why…?" My voice broke, I was either too shaken up or my sense of self-preservation was kicking itself into motion.

He stared at me, confusion wrinkling his brows. I sighed and gave up – it was better that way anyway – and rose from my seat, stiffly moving to the front door, leaving Jacob alone in the house.

_Perfect time for a phase._

_

* * *

_

Alone the look on her face, how she stopped mid-chew as I entered the room, should've had me laughing out loud. But this was serious, serious as in _I'mfeelingnauseous_-serious, so I was feeling not one bit amused. Over the last few days Leah had somehow accomplished putting this conversation off until now. Yeah, yeah. I know, I'd let her get away with it. But something told me that if I didn't make a move now she would find a way to run.

I had apparently caught her off guard while she wolfing down her breakfast. I averted my eyes to her plate, where pancakes and bacon were mounting, and wondered if she would be eating regularly if it weren't for the wolf-extra-appetite. I guessed I would never know.

I sat down opposite of her and watched as her face mirrored her emotions – _distress, pain and … surrender? _– before they were suddenly wiped away, locked away and hidden by the blank expression I had encountered hundreds of times before, only that at that time I'd thought it was her normal face, not a mask made to protect.

One of the reasons I needed to do this. As second in command and as packbrother.

_But her hands… her hands. _

They were digging into the table, forming a flawless imprint of her fingers. Her mask wasn't perfect; it was far from it.

Her body was displaying what her eyes wouldn't show. And Leah was watching me that whole time, waiting for me to speak the words.

I couldn't lift my gaze from her russet fingers, thoughts and memories of when I'd just gotten the leech's message attached to the wedding invitation played before my eyes and rung in my ears. The pain it had caused me. Leah was feeling exactly the same, almost. And I knew I would've rather not gotten the invitation, let alone Edward's _thank-you-for-taking-care-of-my-wife-when-I-couldn't _message. I couldn't do this to anyone, no matter how irritating said "anyone" might be. Fuck, this was frustrating.

Leah's grip on the table tightened.

"Stop it Leah. I'm not going to ask." Again, her reaction was mildly amusing, the way she seemed to tense up further before relaxing completely, her shoulders slacking. A tiny smile curled on my lips. The decision I had come to had been the right one.

"_Finally. _Thought you'd damage that poor table to the point of no repair," I said, trying to ease the situation up a little.

Surprised, she glanced at her hands that were still clawing the wood and loosened them. I chuckled silently.

"Jacob, why…?" she muttered, looking up at my face. Why _what_? Leah had stopped mid-sentence, her mouth was still slightly agape. As if the words got stuck in her throat. She surrendered – with a grim look on her face – and got up from her chair, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I heard the door slamming closed seconds after.

_Well… that didn't go as planned._

I stood and brushed my hands along the unwrought wood the table was made of, feeling the print Leah's hands had left with my fingertips.

The wood was splintered, making it rough to the touch.

A thought I'd had countless times before popped into my head, pushing everything else in there aside.

What the _hell _was I doing here?

And just like before I didn't have an answer. I wasn't doing this for myself. I would be far – no, not happier, far more _oblivious_ – somewhere where I knew no one and no one knew me. But here I was, living in Leah Clearwater's house. Of all places to be why was I _here_?

Because she'd asked me to. Simple. Easy.

A bit disturbing.

And she'd asked me to because she didn't trust me to keep her secret. Didn't she see that I didn't want the Pack to know where I was, too? _Self-centered bitch_, it ran through my head.

Yes, self-centered. But I knew I would be the same way… no, I knew I _was _the same way. We'd both had people who had put their best interest above ours, selfish people, and it was kind of soothing to simply _not_ think about others.

Bella was selfish.

I winced and wanted to slap myself for it. _It's a name, Jacob. Just a fucking name, get a grip. She's probably dead by now, anyway. You saw what the thing in her womb did to her._

I leaned back against the table and tried not to throw up in Leah's kitchen. Because she'd be pissed. Royally.

Who cares if that bi – _Leah_ – is pissed when Bella is possibly laying on her deathbed with the bruised skin of her belly ripping open? – Do _not_ throw up! – For god's sake _why _didn't I stay with her?

Because she was selfish and it had been about time for me to quit lusting after a married, and apparently crazy, woman.

She really hid it well, the selfishness. Yes, it was _Bella_. Yes, I was hopelessly smitten by her. Yes, she probably felt awful for breaking my heart one, two… a gazillion times. But it didn't really… oh, who was I kidding, it didn't make her actions better _at all_.

I had let her fall into me when she'd been abandoned, fixed her up piece by piece, just because. I didn't have a specific reason for loving her, besides her crimson blush; that candy eyes; the true, bright interest that shines in her eyes whenever I tell her about the things that make up my life; her little awkward movements and the adorable carefreeness that showed from time to time.

And when he had begged her to take him back she had done so without an afterthought, without thinking _Hey, what if he does the same thing once again, in a few months' time? Who will be there to fix me then? _But even though she had left me lying in the dirt for him I kept on being her friend, letting her use me. I had been willing to do everything for her and I had wanted to be her "sun". And that under the humble condition of giving me a chance.

But she never gave me what I so desperately needed, always sought what she craved alone. Him. And me. Both of us; only that he had gotten every chance he had ever asked for. Couldn't she have chosen one of us, preventing the other from permanent heartbreak that way? I scoffed. Of course not, what a question. Bella had to keep both of us close.

Oh, and it was _so_ over. _JakeandBells _was over. I would stand tall and I would not give in to that admittedly big part of me that screamed and fought to give her my battered heart on a silver plate, like oh-so many times before. No, not anymore.

I was beyond pissed at Isabella Cullen.

And I needed some air or yesterday's dinner would make its grand second appearance.

I rushed outside and almost forgot to close the front door behind me. The clean, fresh, pine-scented air filled my lungs and I found myself able to relax a little. That whole no-phasing concept was gnawing on my nerves – and obviously weakened my stomach big time.

I sat down on the porch-steps and rested my chin on my palms. It's only been a week and the heated ripples that ran down my spine came more and more frequently, phasing really was like an addiction. Of course it was, phasing was a huge part of what and who I was. I had to struggle keeping my cool more than normally and it made me wonder how it was even possible to quit. Not like I saw that as an option for the next few years, decades, but really…

I gazed straight ahead of me, at the dirty gravel road that led who-knows-where, at the trees that loomed on the other side of the road, a dark green wall separating me from something I couldn't put my finger on.

It was hard to admit, but I missed home. It was probably because this place reminded me of Washington although the sun was shining mercilessly, the ground was dry and the woods were actual forests, not a jungle kind of thing. It was that feeling of being connected to nature that was the same. Nevada had been nothing like this, somehow. I thought of all the states I had passed through in my "journey away from Bella", of Idaho and Nevada and Oregon and, now, California.

All my thoughts had been consumed by betrayal, of "he ruined her life", "why am I so fucking weak" and the need to get away. I hadn't cared about my surroundings at all. But now that I was kind-of-forced to stay here for some time I had started to take in my environment again.

It only strengthened the pull on my muscles and joints that demanded for me to give in to my other half, escape my human body and exchange it for something monstrous and entirely canine.

I really needed to convince Leah that she couldn't hide forever. But wouldn't that make me a hypocrite? I sighed and stood up, walked down the steps and tried to decide what to do. Running was sadly not an option because I felt like I should keep my promise.

But what else was there to do? Staying inside was getting old pretty fast, I was a nature person.

I scowled at the lush grass beneath my bare feet.

If you were, like me, only clad in a pair of shorts your options on going out were pretty limited. I couldn't just walk into a diner half-naked. That is, sure I could, it was just the staff that wouldn't be happy about it. The _male _staff.

"Whatever, I'll go and buy me a shirt or two," I told myself. _With what money?_ my more reasonable conscience asked with a hint of sarcasm.

Uh, yeah, well. With what money? I felt out my shorts pockets. Left? Naw. Right? _Oh._

My fingers brushed against crumpled paper. Score, baby. I pulled out two rather worn-looking ten dollar notes.

Maybe, if I was lucky, I'd find a supermarket with tees on sale. I stuffed the money back into the pocket and looked around, wondering into which direction I was to walk if I wanted to stumble upon stores.

My eyes closed and I concentrated on listening. Chirping birds, rustling leaves, animals, the wind howling, the crashing of waves, distant voices and the clattering of plates and pans echoed in the air around me but nothing told me what I needed to know.

Groaning, I stalked off towards a high pine and pulled myself up, hands grasping the lowest branch. From there, I jumped onto the next and the next and the next, until I reached the treetop. _Please, don't let anybody spot me climbing trees._

The view was breathtaking, really, it was. Ocean, woods, hills, cliffs and all. But I had no nerve to dwell on the beauty of the landscape, so I swiftly turned, following the dirt road with my eyes. It was hard to make out houses beneath the thick cover of trees, but once the number of trees lessened it was easy to catch sight of several grey to yellow buildings. Surely there would be stores, right? Every town has a supermarket, even La Push.

"Well, I guess I'll find out."

One. No more, no less. One – tiny – store. And it had taken me almost one hour to find it, earning me funny looks as I walked through town as if it was 95°f or something. But when you run at toasty 108.9 degrees you tend to not being able to figure the outside temperature.

I wiped a black strand of hair off my forehead – my hair was getting long again. I thought about cutting it as I stepped through the door, a bell jingled and announced my presence. Inside the store it was comfy, a little cramped maybe. Groceries and co on the left aisles, flowers and toiletries on the right ones.

"Hey Stretch, you new in town?"

I looked up – well, down – and met eyes with a tiny, brunette girl, sitting at the register. She was smiling kindly, light brown curls falling into her face, matching color with her eyes. I sucked in a breath. She reminded me of, of… _No, you are so not going there. It's over, remember? _Yeah, it was over, but it was still hard. Because no matter what I told myself, I was still in love with her.

"Yeah, staying at a friend's," I managed to answer, my voice sounding somewhat huskier than I remembered it to be_. Great, make a fool outta yourself, why don't you?_

"Can I help you with something?" she asked, apparently trying hard to keep her gaze on my face. At least she was polite.

"Uh, yeah. Do you sell shirts?" Suddenly, I felt utterly dumb. Today was not my day. The girl blushed slightly, only emphasizing her resemblance to Bella, and nodded.

"Follow me," she squeaked quietly and got up from behind the register, making her way to the back of the store. I trailed a few meters behind her, busy with listing all the things that separated her from the girl that had breaking my heart as a hobby. _That curls, Bella doesn't have that much of them… and the shade of her hair isn't as dark as Bella's. And Bella is definitely clumsier that her._

"We've only got those. I – uh – I don't know if they're your size." She had stopped in front of a clothes rack, blushing nervously. _She'snotBella. NotBellaNotBellaNotBella. _

"Thanks," I muttered, stepping forward and pretending to be examining a grey t-shirt that would be to short for me anyhow.

"I'll be at the counter," she uttered and the next thing I heard were her tiny footsteps against the stone floor. I exhaled. If getting over her was going to be like this the odds were really against me.

I looked back down at the tee in my hands and hung it back onto the rack while shaking my head. Somehow I doubted they had my size in store. With a twinge of hopelessness I searched through the many layers of cloth, holding several to my chest in order to estimate if there was any possibility for them to fit.

After what I assumed were about 15 minutes I found a shirt that would cover me up fully but was probably a little too tight. Whatever, it would do. I made my way to the counter, grasping the black dyed cotton in my hand. Cashier-girl looked up from the old-looking Vogue she was busying herself with and hurried to put it away, straightening up in her seat.

"Oh, you've found something," she commented, a little surprised.

"Yep," I said, forcing myself to smile at her. It wasn't her fault that she looked like her last name could be Swan. I handed her the shirt and rocked back and forth on my heels, hands in pockets, looking forward to getting out of the little store.

"That makes," she paused to wipe a pretty persistent curl out of her eyes, "uhm, 11,50. Do you need a bag?" I looked down at my half-naked self and shook my head, the ghost of a smirk playing on my lips. I gave her the money and she took it shyly, handing me the shirt and my cash. I put on the shirt and thanked her, rushing – hopefully not too obviously – out of the door.

"Have a nice day!" I heard her call after me as the door fell closed behind me and I let out a sigh of relief. _Note to self: never go clothes shopping again. _

_

* * *

_It was as if my whole body was pulsating, the air around me felt thick, dark and heavy. I was gripping the beer can with both hands, feeling my self control momentarily slipping away. My lips were stretched into a smile that wasn't a smile at all as I faced the blurring images behind my eyelids which I had originally wanted to will away.

_Her hands on her belly, protective, instinctive, loving… painpainpainpainpain._

The can clattered on the ground beneath me, my hands now burying my face, hiding it from the world.

The soft cry that slipped past my lips was heard by no one, for no one was there and no one cared. My skin felt hot and clammy, giving me the urge to rip the dress from my body in a desperate attempt to cool down.

It was _hothothothothot_, the black fabric tore between my frantic fingers, _hothothothot _and the cold of the night didn't reach me, it recoiled from me and left me to seethe in the heat.

_It didn't work, didn't work, didn't work. Why didn't it work? _

I tripped over the dozen metal cans spread over the dirty earth and did nothing to prevent my fall, the world turned under my bruised body as I hit the ground, knocking the air out of my lungs.

Shakily, I rose back up to my feet, my knees and elbows tingled in the sharp wind. _Home. _I continued putting one foot in front of the other, moving like a zombie into the direction I could see light shining through closed windows.

My cheeks grew numb and my heart beat erratically as cried quietly – or was it loudly? – about everything and anything that crossed my mind.

My fist knocked against the door, once, twice, and the lights blurred in front of my eyes. I sobbed as the door was pulled open and I fell against a warm chest, the sobs rocking my body.

I buried my face in the thin material of his shirt and inwardly begged, on my knees, for someone to hold me. My ears were deaf, I didn't hear the voices, I only felt the heat increase as I was being cradled in a pair of arms.

_With my kid on my shoulders I try_  
_Not to hurt anybody I like_  
_But I don't have the drugs to sort,_  
_I don't have the drugs to sort it out, sort it out_  
_I don't have the drugs to sort it out, sort it out_

_Your voice has stolen my soul, soul, soul_

The National – Afraid Of Everyone

* * *

A/N: Hey people! :D I just wanted to say that I've got a livejournal (link on profile), so if you want a heads up when I'm about to update, if you have questions etc. you should check it out. Don't forget to review please c: Happy, confused, mad, annoyed? Tell me!

Loves, Kora.


	5. Keep Hoping

**Keep Hoping**

_with my hands open,_  
_and my eyes open _  
_I just keep hoping _  
_That your heart opens _

_why would I sabotage _  
_the best thing that I have _  
_well, it makes it easier to know _  
_exactly what I want_

The air surrounding us shuddered with each of the sobs sending her body into tremors.

It was an utterly shocking sight; Leah Clearwater crying, fragile, broken and bruised in my arms. Not even a trace of the mask she usually put on. This Leah was soft and helpless.

Maybe hell froze over. Maybe I was dreaming. This just couldn't be real.

The stench of alcohol stung in my nose. Leah's fingers dug into my shirt. I felt more helpless than ever.

It was as if my mind was blank; I couldn't move, I couldn't think, I couldn't make sense of the scene playing before my eyes. It was almost surreal, the way I cradled her to my chest, and all I could do was hold her tighter.

"Shush," I heard myself try to soothe her. She didn't seem to hear me. "Leah, what happened?" Again, no answer. I sighed deeply and brushed the sticky dark hair out of her tear-soaked face. Her eyes were shut tightly, her brow wrinkled in pain and I felt nothing but sympathy. And confusion. And concern. Okay, maybe I felt many things…

"It's okay, it's alright," I chanted, laying my chin on top of her head. "It's alright."

The door was still wide open and I saw her fall against me again and again and again, like a movie stuck on repeat. I kicked it closed with one foot and pondered what to do with the girl in my embrace. We couldn't stay here like this all night.

I was feeling weird, awkward as I carefully lifted her limp body into my arms but I found it to be irrelevant, Leah needed me now. Slowly, I carried her to her bedroom and laid her down on the mattress and for the first time it struck me that she was just in her underwear. _Holy shit._

My first instinct was to look away and leave the room but I knew I couldn't leave her alone in here. I kept my gaze focused on her face as I tucked her in, my eyebrows pulling together as I registered how awful she looked. Not awful in the hideous kind of way, awful as in… as in _hurt, alone, heartbroken and in pain. _

Her breathing had slowed and her sobs had faded but sleep didn't seem to have brought her peace. I saw her broken in the woods, broken next to the street, broken somewhere in the mud. I had to fight hard to keep my hands from trembling.

_She came home. She is safe here. She came home. _

I yawned, realizing it was just about time for me to hit the sack. _But Leah… – _Leah will give you hell if you're still in her bedroom by tomorrow.

I straightened, stiff as a board, and was halfway through the door when I heard her whimper. I froze. _She wouldn't want you to witness this. _The thought didn't sound right in my ears and I turned around to face the helpless hurting girl under thin white sheets.

"Leah." She didn't respond, of course she didn't. She was caught inside her nightmare, the one that had brought her dangerously close to an edge she could so easily fall off.

I had never liked her, never seen her as a friend, never given much about her feelings. But she was in the same boat with me, sinking, steadily. Drowning. I was on the way to the surface but Leah just kept on sinking into the depths of the sea. I couldn't leave her like this or I would never forgive myself. There was far more to her than what she showed; I was sure no one really ever took the time to get to know the real her, not after what happened with Sam.

Again, she was like me in that way. She had changed since her heart had been broken. Broken hearts change people, it isn't natural to stay exactly the same. So Sam didn't know her either. _Bella didn't know me. _

Leah didn't as much as stir as I climbed in into the bed next to her. I kept on my side, never touching her, just watching and making sure she was safe. Again, a really weird thought to have. I didn't care.

Her chest was raising and falling, _raising and falling_, making unexpected relief lessen the tension in my muscles. She looked almost dead, unmoving in her sleep. I briefly wondered what had happened, then remembered the scent of alcohol in her breath. Whatever had happened with Sam, whatever he had done to her, it was poison to her soul and sanity.

I growled very low in my throat.

She couldn't've simply been drunk. This was more like an emotional breakdown. I shuddered silently and caught myself wishing she would wake up and let me help her. It was ripping on my insides, the feeling. It had hopelessness, anxiety and fear blurring together. It made me wonder why I was so shaken up. It made me wonder about a lot of things.

I scowled at my thoughts, being irritated with myself had obviously become a bad habit of mine. It wasn't the time to worry about _me_; compared to Leah I was more than _fine_.

My eyes wouldn't leave her face. It was as if it resembled all the hurt in the world. It made me aware of what could have happened, with Bella, with me, with her, with Sam, with Emily. It was sad; there really wasn't a happy ending for everyone.

I had originally planned on convincing Leah to face her fear and tell the Pack about her whereabouts. I had planned on leaving California. It was out of the question now. Leaving La Push had been a knee-jerk reaction, something to prevent her from breaking down in front of Sam and the Pack, I didn't want to know what would have happened if she hadn't run.

_There just had to be a way._

I thought, thought hard, found nothing. Something was keeping Leah from forgetting Sam. But what would that be?

_Perhaps she didn't – _oh, that was ridiculous. Of course she would… wouldn't she? I turned over to lie on my back, as if that would help me concentrating. Needless to say it didn't.

Sometime into the night I fell asleep. It was restless, dreamless and did nothing but pass the time. Not to mention it didn't last long.

Salt, pine and rain threatened to suffocate me as I floated in the clear water somewhere in limbo, between sleep and wake. The water was warm and soothed my tense posture. Salt, pine and rain swirled around me until I was forced to open my eyes because they hung so low over my face I couldn't breathe.

I cringed backwards when I came face to face with Leah Clearwater. Closed-eyed, open-mouthed, messy-haired. My mind ran a thousand miles as I struggled to remember how I had ended up here, with her.

Salt, pine and rain emanated from her russet flesh and coal black hair, the scent was _wrong_, it didn't fit with her face, it was _different _than I remembered it to be. A shudder rippled through me with the wrongness of it all.

I eyed the streaks of dried tears on her cheeks – of course, the salt, the tears. Last night flashed before my eyes but I forced the images away. I _couldn't _and I _didn't want to. _I scooted away from her, secretly glad she was okay for now, that she was better for now.

I closed my eyes for a moment and lay still next to her, hoping I'd somehow find my way back to sleep.

No such luck.

"What the fucking hell?" I heard her rasp next to me, a little too quiet for my liking. My eyes popped open again, this time to the sight of a wide-eyed, slack-mouthed Leah. I almost smirked, almost. I was far too emotionally exhausted to do so.

I grunted in response and she groaned, averting her gaze for a moment. Her hand ran through her hair, only messing it up further.

"_God_, what happened?" I stayed silent, not wanting to be the one to drop the bomb. She had to find out on her own. Instead, I toyed with the sheets sprawled under the weight of me, unconsciously waiting for the shocked gasp that was due in a couple seconds.

"The beer," she whispered. I frowned. Werewolves couldn't get drunk easily, believe me, we had tried. It required at least eight bottles to feel tipsy. Sucks, I tell you. But maybe she hadn't been drunk at all. Just tipsy. Maybe it had been something else entirely… The words _emotional _and _breakdown _rung in my ears. The beer had probably only broken the barrier.

"Leah," I said. Her eyes moved to meet mine, open, honest, unshielded. "Tell me what happened." My voice was grave and soft as cotton.

She drank in a shaky breath. "Why now?" _Why not yesterday? _Nothing more than a whisper.

"Because last night I opened the door to find _you_, tear soaked and in nothing but your _underwear _in a state I'd have to describe as catatonic. That's why."

Leah did a double take, left hand covering half of her face. It oddly reminded me of Emily. "Oh shit." Not so Emily-like anymore. She shut her eyes and sighed.

"What are you doing in my bed?" Strangely, the question aggravated me although I had expected her to ask. I sat up and shook my head, hurt and anger pulsing through me. They were directed at no one.

"Guess who carried you to bed last night, guess who made sure you didn't choke to death on your own tears. Just fucking guess," I spat and lifted my weight off the mattress.

"Oh, cry me a river." I stiffened, slowly turned my head to see her wear _that _scowl, with _that _look in her eyes. I was totally unimpressed.

I left the room with a "You don't fool me anymore" on my lips.

The couch let out a squeak as I plopped down onto it, my expression a mixture of everything and anything. I just wished Leah would finally drop the act. I knew it wasn't the real Leah. It hurt nonetheless. _Man up, Jacob. _I growled at myself, very much on edge.

I needed someone to talk to, I realized. But I didn't have such a someone, not anymore. My foot hit the coffee table, breaking the wood. A run was the only thing that could ease my tension, if only a little. _Who cares what Leah thinks about it, I'll simply phase out if I feel someone else phase. She'll never know._

I was outside in a flash, my heart beating violently in my chest, in anticipation. My arms vibrated as I walked between the trees, away from the road and away from curious eyes. My clothes landed on the ground quicker than I thought possible and I groaned as the blazing heat rippled down my spine. It initiated the phase and I felt more in control than I had in a long, long time as my body grew, bones broke and grew together again, joints popped into place. The pain of it was sweet and had me wanting more.

By the time I touched the mossy ground I was on four legs, in the body of a ripped, fur-covered predator. I listened inside my mind and found it empty of foreign thoughts. For about a second I wondered why the Pack wasn't ever phased but quickly dismissed the thought. This was me-time; I didn't want to worry about others.

I ran through the woods, enjoying the sensation of my fur being rumpled up by the wind and the sharpened senses that came along with being a wolf. My dark lashes half-covered my eyes, protecting them from sand and salt and dirt while my paws pounded against the earth, flying over the ground with delicious speed.

I smiled at the freedom I was feeling, my white teeth showing. Ends of thoughts crossed my mind and disappeared into nowhere, too fast to register in my brain.

I ran in wide circles, along the coast of the Pacific, over hills and through little valleys.

I was in mid-sprint when a familiar tingling moved the air, making it impossible for me to stop and phase back.

My mind extended and engulfed another's, a force I could do nothing against. I tried to keep my thoughts low, to think quietly and unobtrusively in order not to bring attention to myself.

When Jared's thoughts joined mine I knew it was a lost game. He was too alert not to notice me.

_Jacob_, his voice filled my head.

_Jared. _I did my best to ignore his presence but he was having none of it, surprise and curiosity reached me.

_We were almost sure you had quit phasing or – _He stopped before he could think it but I knew what he meant. _Or died._

_Yeah, well, where the hell are you? You ran away _again_?_

I snorted and kept my gaze straight ahead. _No, genius. I'm visiting my godfather. _

Jared sighed inside my head. _Sorry, man. We're missing you, why did you run this time? Oh god I need to tell the others you're alive. Emily almost had a heart attack, first Leah, then you… Kim'll be happy too. I wonder if I should get her flowers for our next date –_

I tuned his babbling thoughts out, thankful it was just Jared and not Sam or Paul.

– _Nah, she doesn't like daffodils. Maybe tulips? Or should I get her roses? I heard that they are –_

All this imprint babbling was getting on my nerves, though. As soon as I saw the little town at the horizon I slowed down and phased back, running the rest of the way in human form.

I felt lighter as I stepped through the bushes and headed for the house. I buttoned up my shorts and slipped the tee over my head, walking up the porch-steps and through the unlocked front door.

I abruptly stopped in my tracks as I saw Leah's frame cowering on the anthracite-colored couch, leaning against the armrest. She looked up at me, the corner of her mouth slightly pulled down but her gaze un-hooded.

"Finally," she mumbled before pulling herself up in a sitting position. "Shall we?"

I must've looked as puzzled as I felt because she did a very dramatic eye roll and got up to her feet, moving into the kitchen. I watched her for a second before I decided to follow, she had on a light, white dress showing the sore skin of her knees that had yet to completely heal. My eyes darkened. Yesterday I hadn't noticed any injuries but that didn't mean they hadn't been there.

Leah sat down on the kitchen counter, crossing her legs and staring at the kitchen floor. I leaned against the table, waiting for her to… do whatever she was planning to do.

"I'm, uh…" She looked me in the eye and sighed. "Listen, I feel like I'm obligated to tell you," she said.

I raised both eyebrows. "Okay?"

"I have no idea why I am doing this, really." Leah shook her head. "But – whatever. That night, you know, _that night_"– I tried not to chuckle at her nervousness –"I was going to Sam's. He said he wanted to talk to me, used the fucking Alpha Command when I refused.

"I told him to fuck off, because _really, _why can't he just leave me in peace?" Leah met my gaze, seeking for reassurance.

I was a little stunned she was actually telling me this. A little, pfft. Make that majorly stunned.

"Anyways, I went to Sam's, ready to tell him where to shove it. He was … nervous, I guess, fidgeting and beating around the bush. I was about to walk out on him when he told me to"– She swallowed in… _anger? _–"'stop it and let go'. Accused me of putting on a bitchy act to guilt-trip him into taking me back. Said it wasn't fair to Emily, his precious _muffin-baking imprint_, and that there was no hope left for us.

"Yeah, why not stab me and twist the knife?" Leah spat.

"Leah… you don't have to do this."

"_No!_ Let me… let me get this out." Her hands had found her face, hiding it from me. Her usually strong voice was soft when she continued.

"Emily… she must've been upstairs the whole time, listening in or something. Walked in on me bitch-slapping her fiancé. Hard. I don't know what she said, I didn't actually _hear _anything at that moment, she… it was as if there was a fucking spotlight on her. It's hard to describe. It could've simply been the way she held herself, but _I knew instantly_."

She knew instantly? What – oh holy fuck. Emily, was she? Leah's expression as her palms revealed her face didn't leave any doubt in my mind.

Emily was pregnant. With Sam's child. A life Leah had wanted to lead herself.

Something stung inside my chest, a light twinge, as I realized how alike our situations were – Bella pregnant, Emily pregnant – only that hers was so much worse. I didn't feel pity. Leah despised pity and so did I. But the need to pull her into my arms and comfort her was getting out of hand, especially since I knew she wouldn't approve. Hell, even I didn't know where the idea came from. Last night had switched something inside my brain.

But when I heard her small whisper of "It was too much for me to handle" I couldn't restrain myself any longer. I crossed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around her, intent on not letting a replay of yesterday happen again because Sam dickhead Uley was so fucked up I was even ashamed of being in his pack.

Leah tensed up in my embrace. But instead of the expected rush of insults and profanities she let me hold her. She did not push away although she continued being as rigid as a stone statue, what she did was bury her nose in my neck. Lips brushed my collarbone.

"Thank you," she said under her breath. "For last night."

I shivered and fought the urge to look around for a candid camera. What had _gotten into her? _

_Hot, enchanted lips traveling over my skin, nibbling –_ Oh no not _that night_. I had planned on denying it had happened. Get a fucking grip, Jacob Black.

Because of the state of shock I was in Leah managed to slip out of my hold and off the counter, muttering "Don't let it get to your head" before she exited the kitchen. After about two minutes I felt like I could move again. Did Leah _touchmeandIwillkillyou_ Clearwater just thank me for being there for her or was I getting delusional? Somehow option two seemed more likely.

* * *

I felt my hands shake as I curled up in front of the TV.

_"I know what you're trying to do Lee-Lee. I'm sorry."_

I wished I hadn't only slapped the bastard. I should've gone for the kill instantly. He would only go on with hurting me over the years. I should've ended it back then, with no regrets whatsoever.

Fuck, I was lying to myself again. I needed to stop this or it would become unhealthy, boil under the surface and one day break through. I would never be able to erase him from my life and memories, never be able to live with being the one who ended his life. I wasn't cruel, just heartbroken. I should've known drinking would only worsen the situation I was in.

I huffed angrily and forced Sam Uley and Emily Uley-In-The-Making Young from my mind, ignoring the pain that set my heart on fire.

I despised Sundays. I despised them because there was nothing to do to get my mind off things. All I could do was loiter in the living room and become a permanent addition to the couch cushions. There was absolutely _nothing _to pass time with in teensy-weensy Westport, California. _Why was this backwater town called Westport? No one here even has a fucking boat. _

I leaned back against the couch and wondered idly why I hadn't gone to New York or something. San Francisco. Mingling with people, going underground, somewhere nobody could ever find me.

_Oh, right. Because I was all wolfy and couldn't just phase in a city park._

I heard feet scurrying in my kitchen, reminding me of Jacob's hilariously dumbfounded face when I'd expressed my gratitude for his actions last night. Something I'd guilt-tripped myself into. I didn't necessarily feel good about being a bitch, even though it may seem that way. I remembered the minutes after our little "argument" this morning and found that the guilty and thankful feelings only had lessened slightly – which was pissing me off.

I had fucking _told him _everything, _thanked him _for taking care of my wasted self and those feelings were still fucking there? Seriously? What had he done to deserve my undying gratefulness? Yeah, he had been nice to me and stayed with me and everything but I'd _thanked him for it. _I hardly thanked anyone. I had even told him what he wanted to know. We should be even. _We apparently weren't. _

"Damn it, why is everything always so complicated?" I shook my head in confusion. If it wasn't gratitude, what was that feeling?

My eyes widened with the realization. Oh Jesus not fucking again. _Easy, it'll probably pass. Just don't act on it and it'll be fine_, I tried to reassure myself but panic was already spreading in my chest. When had I started caring for him?

And why again did every decision bite me in the ass?

_with my hands open_  
_and my eyes open _  
_I just keep hoping _  
_that your heart opens _

_it's not as easy as willing it all to be right _  
_gotta be more than hoping it's right _  
_I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it _  
_collapse into me, tired with joy  
_

Snow Patrol – Hands Open


End file.
